Vulnerability

No one particularly likes to be vulnerable. I guess there are times and places for it but I believe that the idea of being vulnerable has become negative in our world. Why does that have to be the case? Perhaps it calls to our more primal nature. Vulnerability is equated with weakness and the weakest member of any pack is usually a threat to everyone. So people remain silent, brooding, longing for a place to lay their truest feelings out there and to be accepted for who they truly are.

It's been my experience that this is a problem for all people but especially for men. Specifically for young men. I refer to it as "toxic masculinity," because that is what it creates inside of young men. When I talk about this, I tell them flat-out, "You've been given one consistent message in your lives. It's pretty clear, despite the other messages that you've gotten in life. It's simply this: 'Don't be a pussy.'"

I know that's crass. And it never fails to get wide eyes in response when I'm in my classroom. But if there's been progress in this regard, it's slow to emerge. The loudest and the clearest messages that boys get are, "Boys don't cry," or "Suck it up - you've got to be a man," and other feats of impossible strength.

What are we teaching our boys?

Seems to me that we're teaching them to throw up walls that are impenetrable and if they show emotion there must be something wrong with them. And if there's one thing that life teaches us all in big ways and small, it's that this life is definitely an EMOTIONAL ride. My training in communications has taught me that if you hold emotion in long enough, it will begin to leak out in the most unsavory ways possible.

I'm not advocating for making traits in boys and men more feminine; quite the contrary. I like masculinity and I find it necessary. I acknowledge that male behaviors are vastly different than female behaviors and I marvel at the differences between us. But we've got to cut the guys some slack. Toxic masculinity is detrimental and it's devouring males.

I often think about a scene in Macbeth where the character Macduff discovers that his wife and children have all been executed. The soon-to-be-king of Scotland, Malcolm, tells him, "Come on, take it like a man!" And Macduff replies so wisely as he's sinking into unimaginable grief, "First I must feel it like a man." And then he cries. But afterwards, he goes into battle and kicks ass.

So there's another side to the coin. The girls, of course. I think that there are girls and women who have a clear vision of their roles in this world and the progress that women have made has come at the cost of being vulnerable. Need I remind you? "It's a man's world!" So they trade in the softness that must accompany being vulnerable for the mental and emotional toughness that it takes to be successful in the workplace. But this tradeoff leaves marks on the female constitution. It most certainly is no less toxic to females as it is to males.

It's the interaction between men and women that seems trickiest when it comes to vulnerability. We make guesses at things. It's easy to critique the manner of men and of women, our interactions with each other. The truth is, the roles that my parents had (Both were products of the mid-20th century and 100% Mediterranean, at that.) were fixed and unswerving. On the one hand, they never had to wonder how the other would react in most situations. But in the term of their lives, there must have been a lot of wondering. Things like, what made my father so temperamental and angry so much of the time? My academic pursuits of communication lead me to wonder if something happened to him that he was forced to push down for all his life. I remember asking my mother about this and she said, "He came really close to telling me once but he didn't and we never talked about it again." So there was something to it. I just don't know what. They took all of their complexities to eternity and have left their daughters to wonder.

I suppose it's my upbringing that would lead me to say that I don't think we should live "letting it all hang out." I think there's something to be said for discretion. I think that we're living in a time of extremes. I believe that there's a minority of people who put their lives on blast -- good, bad, and mundane -- but that the vast majority of people are living in quiet desperation (also known as "lurkers" on social media, perhaps). They want to be known. They want to be vulnerable but they just don't know how to do that without falling into that much more vocal minority.

What can I point to except my own life? It took a lot of vulnerability to start blogging. I've heard it all my life: "You should write." And with the end of the old year and the coming of a new year, I decided to make that jump. I decided to be vulnerable. I decided to start this blog, offer thoughts and scattershot wisdom and also a place for my readers to be vulnerable, too. I hope that this site becomes a haven and a community for people to share. I would love to hear back from you and hear your thoughts on vulnerability. Is it hard for you to reveal to others who you really are? And if so, what holds you back?

Change comes, I think, one step at a time and one decision at a time. We can help each other along. I just know that hope can win over cynicism and that vulnerability is a key to unlock all of it. Post your comments if you feel led to do it!